2005-01-17
Hello? Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
MyCompany has a new phone system which we installed over the weekend (which we call a "cutover" in the biz, from the latin derivative "cut" meaning turn off the old shitty system and "over" meaning turn on the new, more complicated, even shittier system). And because most of my staff are off today, yours truly is learning said new system in "trial by fire" fashion. On the console. Where I can do the most damage.
me: "Good morning, CompanyName! How can I hang up on you I mean assist you?"
I wonder how long we'll be able to get away with the "this is a new system and we're just learning, so -- ha ha -- if I hang up on you -- ha ha -- please call back". I'm figuring we can milk that bitch for a couple of months at least.
It's actually pretty cool -- because you can do everything from your computer. If you opt for this method, you have to wear a headset, a bonus because it makes me want to bust out into "Like a Virgin" and slither all over the front desk and touch my cone-ensconced breasts and stuff.
You actually click and drag a caller to (theoretically) the person they are calling. If that doesn't rock modern technology shit I don't know what does.
The only problem with a headset is that you have to remember you're "on" all the time and they can hear you muttering "oh shit... now what? FUCK... which button? DammIT to hell...", which generally Senators, 4-Star generals and congressmen are not expecting to hear when calling MyCompany. Never happens when the chipper Detroit Free Press saleslady calls about a free subscription. Of course not.
I'm a little annoyed about the entire voicemail system change, though. All the numbers that USED to work to, say, delete a message or transfer or replay are all DIFFERENT so I'll probably be blasting messages before I even listen to them, thereby missing the call from Ed McMahon to announce that I have won the Publishers Clearing House Grand Prize, but only if I return his call in 10 minutes.
Which, of course, I can't because I deleted it before even listening to it because in our OLD system "7" was "listen" and "1" was delete, and it's the exact opposite in our new system. I shit you not. Sure, there's a way to retrieve a message you've marked for deletion, but that assumes you realize you've actually slotted it for deletion.
Guess I should read this big fat packet-o-instructions, eh?
NAH. I never win those things anyway.
Speaking of voicemail, have you ever done this IDIOTIC (better, Andy?! wink) thing I seem to do all the time -- when you're sitting there listening to a voicemail -- usually from someone who blathers on and on and ON with their entire reason for calling as opposed to simply saying "Please call me", and as you're listening along you start to comment, outloud, saying things like "OH, that's SUCH total bullshit." or "Right. Like THAT's going to happen." or "JESUS you talk TOO much."
This is usually not a problem as long as it's a VOICEMAIL. I've actually done this in Real Time -- with the same person to whom I am actually speaking -- but they blather on and on and on for so long and never let you get a word in edgewise so eventually I forget they are actually on the other end of the phone and morph into The Intolerant VoiceMail Bullshit Bitch SuperHero and start to blurt out terribly inappropriate statements.
Boss: So, I had three things on my list for you. You aren't busy are you? good, okay, so, First, our corporate realtor called and they said they wanted to meet on THURSDAY but I wasn't sure of your schedule because of that other thing you have going on and that reminds me we need to talk about THAT, too, because the shit has REALLY hit the fan on that one, but anyway so I said how about FRIDAY and they were all like, "Friday's our DRESS DOWN days so we don't like to have meetings with clients" which is so stupid don't you think? yeah me too so I said well how about MONDAY and they said well MONDAY is MLK day and we don't like to have meetings on holidays and isn't THAT ridiculous can you believe it? yeah me neither. and speaking of dress codes you have GOT to see what Veronica is wearing today you really have to deal with that, you know ...blah blah blah..
Me, stepping out of phonebooth in my Intolerant VoiceMail Bullshit Bitch SuperHero costume: OH FOR CHRISSAKES GET TO THE FUCKING POINT OR SEND ME AN EMAIL!
(long pause... me realizing: oh shit it's not a voicemail oh SHIT and it's my boss oh shit oh shit oh shit!)
Boss: What did you say?
Me: Uhm, nothing. I was just talking to someone standing in my cube annoying me. Now, what were you saying?
Smoooooth. Very smooth. I have seriously done this on a number of occasions -- but figured out I should put my phone on "mute" when certain people call, but, of course, that button is surely something different on the new phone system, like "amplify" or "record".
Change sucks. I don't care what anyone says...
xquzme at sometime today