2005-04-14
Various Drinking Activities
Drink-n-Dial
The irresistable urge to call old friends, ex-boyfriends, former gym teachers, UPS delivery men, or ex-friends with whom you have decided it is High Time We Made Up. Advanced Drink-n-Dial may find you trying to locate Steve Jobs to tell him "what you really think of Macs".
Drink-n-Clean
The act of drinking 5 Miller Lites and deciding to do some laundry while you watch Behind the Music reruns. After starting a load you look around the laundry room and conclude that you have never cleaned it since you moved in 5 years ago. After hastily fetching the requisite cleaning supplies and another beer, you get to work.
Wait.
Music. Back to the family room to put on a CD or two which will enhance your cleaning experience.
50 minutes later, having listened to the entire West Side Story Soundtrack, you return to the laundry room, still singing "Tonight", well, or trying, because it's hard to sing with a nose full of snot.
You clean the entire laundry room with Cascade Dishwashing Detergent, Murphy's Oil Soap and the rag you blew your nose on. After about 2 hours and several trips to the CD player ("Marrriiiiiiiiiiiaaaa, I'll never stop saying... MarrriiiiiIIIAAAA") you finish up by vacuuming the ceiling dust bunnies. Vacuum transport from the basement to the laundry room doesn't go quite as smoothly as you had hoped ("gDAMN thisfcker zheavy"), but you only leave a small, fist-sized hole in the dry wall in the hallway, which from your standpoint is a small price to pay for a virtually spotless, well oiled laundry room.
Drink-n-Type
There is a small window of opportunity for this right after 3.5 glasses of wine and 5 glasses of wine, when you reach Defcon TDTT (too drunk to type) at which point your typing skills deteriorate to a faretheewell. Like a 2-year-old trying to get your point across to Stupid Mommy, you know what you want to say but your fingers seem drawn to the wrong keys, and/or your sense of propriety is deeply off kilter.
"It was a dark and stormy night"
becomes
"It was blacker than a coal miner's ass and raining like a motherfuck."
A-hem.
During Drink-n-Type you have several options: (1) write a clever diary entry and don't edit it - for the sheer amusement factor the next day. (2) DRAFT a clever diary entry and go through the next day and strip out all the F-bombs and references to people at work by their full name and social security number. (3) Write a maudelin, sentimental email to the ex-friend who refused to take your phone call, listing all the reasons you should still be friends, signing it "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU." (4) Make thinly veiled dirty comments on other's diaries, write emails to people you don't know and ask them to meet you in Windsor, and generally wreak havoc on the entire blog community. Kind of like Fraternity Rush Night you stagger drunkenly from one website to another, leaving a dirty, beer-soaked smudge print of yourself on each one.
Guess which option I chose last night? The affected parties know who they are.
Anne, thanks for being the second person on my notify list! I have no idea how to use it but at this point I can manually notify you and Midge when I update.
It's good to be loved.
And a big fat shout out to whoever hit my site like 200 times in a row last night -- my hit meter showed 325 this morning. I appreciate your attempts at mending the open, oozing, pustulating wound that is my ego.
Okay, enuff.
Is it Happy Hour yet?
xquzme at sometime today