2005-04-14
My aching ass...
Tip for the day:
Do not, under most circumstances but certainly not under that which I am about to describe, eat a lunch consisting of:
1-1/2 cup cooked cauliflower
Parmesan cheese
Olestra Potato chips
If you insist on eating this food combination, do NOT do it 1 hour before you are slotted to make a presentation to your staff, because it is a Known Scientific Fact that in 59 minutes and 30 seconds cauliflower turns into 180 octane methane, and we all know the "annoying" side affects of Olestra(tm) are ("oily loose stools").
Cauliflower combined with Olestra is not something nature intended, and certainly not if consumed anywhere where other people currently are or will be within a 24-hour period.
But say you make this foolish meal decision, because you're trying to be "good" and you know you're going out to dinner for a "steak bomb" and "fries" and "lots of drinks". So you grab whatever is in the fridge and 12:00 rolls around and you're so hungry you could eat a raw dog, and you gobble it all down in 4 minutes, also scorching the top of your mouth.
So you succumb.
In response, after 59 minutes and 30 seconds, when the cauliflower has morphed into a 50 gallon pressure cooker of human gas, your stomach begins it's protest in a visible and audible manner, because it's entire reason for being at that point is to EXPEL the gas, and if you won't do so voluntarily it's going to provide some additional impetus.
See, if you refuse to allow said gas to make it's natural exit, a practice which is perfectly reasonable in your car, on your little brother's head, or in an empty elevator, the gas will back up into your stomach, creating a bloating, rippling effect, causing your stomach to do it's Guy From Aliens Right Before The Thing Tore Through His Colon imitation. It's hard to miss.
If that isn't enough to spur you into activity, it will then inform you -- and anyone within 27 miles -- audibly -- of it's general malaise.
BROOOooooORP *gurggle* GRONK fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???
So that everyone in the room will know without a doubt that you are in severe intestinal distress, even if you try to cover it up with the proverbial "Gosh, I must be hungry -- my stomach is growling", because everyone KNOWS what a stomach "growling" sounds like and yours sounds more like it's a 747 gearing up for takeoff.
If after this audible warning any of your staff, say, CYNG who happens to be sitting closest, KNOWS what you had for lunch, and WHEN you had it, lowers his head slightly, covers his mouth and begins to do the Church Giggle Boogie Oogie Oogie, you may be tempted to try to dismiss the incident by participating in shared mirth over "my darned stomach", however, mirth at any level at this point is not recommended.
In fact, any pressure put on any part of your lower extremities will create the stomach's desired effect, and your stomach, knowing this, sends little endoplasmaflaggelacious signals to your brain which cause you to find EVERYthing hysterically funny.
But you prevail. You think of death and destruction and taxes and that you'll never fit into a size 6 again and what if Brittany's baby is TWINS and they are JUST LIKE Mary Kate and Ashley and is Mary Kate slipping again she looks awfully thin and isn't Demi Moore too OLD to have a baby and...
So you squelch the laughter thing.
The stomach recognizes that it's attempts at getting brain to get you to laugh are not working, so it goes to plan B, triggering the endoallergyrsneezenow system.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ***BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!ffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt *gurgle* [squish]***** CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
at which point your entire staff vacate and then spend 20 minutes doubled over in hysterics and all you can do, between laughter (and continued spurts of expelled gas, like a car backfiring) is wonder: "can I get an episiotomy on my ass? Because I'm pretty sure I need one."
Heed this advice, my children. Stick to fast food and regular Ruffles. Your staff will thank you. Not to mention your ass.
(Thank goodness someone gave ME this advice. So I never do something like that. Just sayin'..,,
xquzme at sometime today