2005-03-17
You've been verbified!
I'm Feeling Better Now
Remember the scene in the Sixth Sense where he finally confronts the little girl under the tent and she just kinda burps up this nasty soup stuff over herself and says "I'm feeling better now" ???
Well, that's how I feel after Linda Blairing all that baby gunk on everyone last night. I thought about deleting it, but then decided better -- it is something I should save and look back on one day. And this IS a journal, right? Right.
Right on, dude.
I think the pinnacle of success is when a verb is made out of your name. For example, in addition to "Linda Blairing" (a more artful expression for "verbal diarrhea"), we have "OJ Simpsoning" (this would be the "running through the airport" verb and not the "nearly beheading your wife and her lover" verb) (not that he DID, that, of course), "Brittney Spearing" (proud display of thong over too-generous hips), "pulling a Marilyn Monroe" (when the wind picks up your skirt and wraps it around your neck), and "Joaning" (being a martyr and whining about something beyond your control).
We have them at work, too. We had a woman who got WAY in over her head with her job and whenever she didn't know what to do with something (oh, like a vendor bill... or a query from a customer... or a notice from DTE that our electricity was being turned off), she would just put it in a drawer. La! We didn't discover this until after she left. Thus was born the ability to "Kristenize" something.
I decided that there are certain people on Diaryland who deserve to be verbified (in NO particular order, mmmmmmmmmK?)
To "Andyize" is to leave a biting, witty, sardonic comment, but one which only thinly veils the fact that he really does care.
"Doin' Da Judd" is reading something which makes moisture leak out of some orifice of the body, frequently resulting in monitor-cleanup, nose blowing, and/or a change of undies.
To "Procrastrobate" is to read extremely wordy, whiny, simpering emails from someone you hardly know and then to offer astute, sage, frrrreegeen' heelarrious words of advice (sometimes in french), liberally scattered with words like "bullocks" and "och" and "wonky" and "ginger".
Not to be confused with "Procrcastritate", which is the unexplained desire to build snowmen acting out real-life tableaus while drinking Guinii and wondering aloud when Kate Winslet will finally come to her senses. But not today -- tomorrow. Except for the Guiness part.
To "Rhi-iterate" is to be wickedly funny, incredibly sensitive, have amazing hair, and be sexy as hell, all at the same time.
If someone calls you "God of Whine", it's because you have Top Shelf photoshop skills, usually resulting in a flawless digital picture of you and a hot model, you love certain parts of your body more than others, and you are a huge flirt.
To "Kristinize" (not to be confused with "KristEnize") is to make an incredibly awesome CD in between baking blue cupcakes and wearing 4" pink heels, and then sending it to complete strangers -- with a handwritten note. Often creates desire to "Pull a Porky".
"Pulling a Porky" is to spontaneously break out into hella wild ass dance moves, usually using an electronic device which plays The World's Worst Albums, and then providing side splitting online commentary. With pictures.
To "PlopPhizzelate" is to create a unique sandwich out of random ingredients selected by your nephew based on a mathematical equation, take pictures of it oozing through your fingers, and posting it with uproarious annotations.
"Milking The Mouse" refers to the unexplained desire to create lists of things, often resulting in readers of said lists "Doin' Da Judd".
"Chickie-Legging" is when, even though there are nose and hand print smudges on your monitor, you pen bitingly entertaining, intelligent prose.
If somone says you're "Ricky-ing", it means your eyes are especially blue and sexily intense that day, that you love eighties music, write wicked funny shit, and leave everyone with a song in their hearts.>
To "Jentrify" is to offer kind words of wisdom about everything from childrearing to management while eliciting snorts of laughter.
"Epetering" is the desire to put on a CD, break out the digital camera, smoke a cigarette, IM your sister, laugh hysterically, all while being very cute. Sersly cute.
Shouting out a "WarCry" means that your tongue is both biting and blue, and that you give expert Sex Ed talks to your kids, using words like "boy juice".
If someone says you are "Being All Sundry" it means you are gentle, highly entertaining, have great hair, and take awesome photographs.
If you're feeling all "Kissy", it means you are toting large guns and even larger, funnier words, and you like to poke the Chads out of voting cards and grind them into the floor with your stilletto heel.
"Billybating" is the process of writing thought-provoking, hilarious stuff about your family, yourself, your hopes, your dreams, and eating something called "Sisig".
"Gumphootering" is the act of wearing a Red Sox Hat while sitting at your computer writing scintilatingly funny shit on a totally awesome template you created yourself, including, but not limited to, a clever "fade to comments" comments section.
"IncrediPedrobating" is the act of sharing the joys of going for your masters degree while working, blogging truly funny, award winning stories, and punking nasty commenters by sharing IP addresses.
If someone calls you out as "WhatTheFucking" it means you have a refreshing cynical view on life, a tongue sharper than a Ginsu knife, and that you're just plain fucking-laugh-out-loud entertaining. And you don't give a good goddamn what anyone thinks of you.
"DhanzaCurving" is to be unselfish, giving, and kind to strangers while you fulfill a desire to explore unknown lands.
And finally, if someone says you're "Playing Doctor", you are about to have One More Cigarette Before You Work Out, and your grammar, syntax, and punctuation is perfect.
Oh... and to "Xquzify" means that you hold no responsibility for leaving anyone out of anything, because really you're just TIRED, and that if you DID it doesn't mean that you love that person(s) any less, and that above all you hope to hell you haven't offended anyone that you DID include by not capturing their true spirit-as-verb properly.
=)
xquzme at sometime today