2005-01-19
Three things which get me out of bed at night
*** WARNING WARNING WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! *****
This starts out light and ends kinda heavy. Sorry about that. Must be in the air today...
******************* END WARNING ********************
Okay, I'm drafting this in my EMAIL program because if I hit escape (test) it actually ASKS me if I want to delete the email. Mwwwwwhaaahaaaaahhaaaaa take THAT DiaryLand, you evil program. (Sorry, Andrew -- it's just me on this damn learning curve.)
So, what I was saying yestereday before I was so RUDELY interrupted by my fat fingers was.....
There are only three things which can bolt me straight out of bed onto my feet, out of a dead of sleep.
1. The Animals. You've all heard about the nocturnal habits of T the Wonder Dog, and B the WannabeDog Cat.
Something like this: "Let me out! Now! Wait! No! Too Cold! Let me back IN! NOW!"
Each requiring this service at different times of the night. Fortunately I can do this almost in my sleep, and have learned the trick is to not lie there and see if they will change their mind (HA!), but to get up as SOON as I hear the scratch on the door or the plaintiff "mew". Fortunately, ever since I wrote this I have not been bitten by the bed. So this journaling thing might actually be USEFUL in some subconscious way. So yeah, the animals. They ensure I get up at least 4 times a night.
2. The Nocturnal "Verp". We all know what a "verp" is, right? (If not, it is what I call a burp with serious attitude -- you know, when you burp and a little bit of your stomach contents gets caught on top of the burb bubble and ends up in your mouth? yeah, that fun thing.) The vertical burp is bad enough, especially if anyone is in the near proximity immediately post-Verp, because your breath smells like that of a Fraternity pledge going through initiation.
But nothing beats The Horizonal Verp.
If I go to bed with anything solid in my stomach (that is, anything other than wine, water, or beer), and/or if I have eaten an unusually large meal before 7pm, I am asking for The Horizontal Verp. Usually I know when this might happen so I arrange myself so that I'm actually "sleeping" sitting up. (Try it sometime...) However, even then I usually end up slumping down into "normal" sleeping position at some point in the night, and this is when the evil Verp leaps to action.
I guess everything relaxes when you are in deep sleep, including the sphincter in your esophagus (yes, I said SPHINCTER -- and YOU have one there, too!), which is like a big drawbridge to your stomach, and this is when anything in your stomach seizes the opportunity to go exploring, say, into the throat, mouth, and lungs. Stomach contents, if not properly amused (preferably by having guests in, like popcorn or cheese and crackers while watching Letterman), get restless and like to "do" things. I think of my stomach contents like Calvin -- very bossy, bratty, and curious.
When this happens I bolt out of bed, immediately, still half asleep, because the LAST thing I want to do is drown on my own vomitus like some rock star (just because I PARTY like one doesn't mean I want to DIE like one). Then, because I now have bile in my lungs, I have to do this terrifically annoying thing to expel it by clearing my throat, loudly, during which time I sound like the combination of a teacher who is trying to let you know that s/he KNOWS you are cheating by increasingly louder throat-clearing sounds and the guy at the bus station who smokes 97 unfiltered Pall Malls and sounds like he's drowning on his own mucas. (I know -- gah-ross!) This activity wakes up HB, who, while sympathetic, gently suggests I try clearing my lungs ELSEwhere and perhaps having a few Tums. It usually takes about 30 minutes of this throat/lung clearing activity and 7 Tums to get the acidic level in my mouth and throat back to normal -- and my lungs somewhat stomach-content-free. It's really keen. So this is why I don't eat ANYTHING after 7pm; 6pm preferably. This alone probably explains why I've lost 30 lbs.
3. Nose Bleeds. I've had two in the last two days. I don't know what it is about the feeling of warm liquid cascading quickly down the inside of my nostril that wakes me up so quickly but it does. (My sheets! My sheets! I must not get anything on my 300 count Eqyptian Cotton sheets!) Yesterday I swear I lost about 2 pints of blood, so when it happened again this morning, in true Tom-Boy Let's See What Happens fashion (speaking of Calvin...), I just leaned over my cupped hand to see how much I REALLY lose during one of these episodes.
Folks, my hand runneth over. I don't recommend this experiment, especially if you have nice sheets. Or a carpet you care about. But it was kinda cool in a gross, ER-episode-with-"Disturbing Theme"-Warning way -- drip drip drippity drippity drippity dripdripdripdripDRIPDRIPDRIP !!! I can't really say it "gushed" but I will because it sounds cooler. I finally got mopped up, did the thing where you wad up a piece of kleenex and stick it into your nostril, and went back to sleep.
HB: I WANT you! NOW! (The wadded kleenex thing does it every time.)
Why does this nose bleed thing happen? I'm hoping that these two episodes relfect the colder than piss weather we've been having, resulting in the dry-as-a-dinosaur-bone atmosphere of our home, but personally I think it means I have sinus or nose cancer.
Tonight I'm putting a measuring cup next to my bed, because at this point the only measurement I have is the palm of my hand, which as all of we chefs know, is called "a sprinkle". I need exact measurements so I can tell my doctor EXACTLY how much I'm losing in order to help him diagnose my life threatening disease.
On a NOT-so-funny healthy note, I am going in on Friday for a second mammagram. Seems they found something called "Asymmetrical density" in my left breast. I don't know what this means, but going back is never a good thing, not to mention the fact that my left breast is very sore from me manhandling it for the last 2 weeks trying to FIND something.... So I'm getting a mammogram and an ultrasound. However, being the "blood in the glass half full" kinda gal, I'm not going to worry about it until I have something TO worry about.
In the meantime, I have other people to worrry about and some praying to do. Sorry to end this on a serious note, but... hey. Sometimes entries go that way.
And sometimes not everything in life is funny.
Have a good day, my butter beans. Count your blessings, kiss your kids, and tell everyone you love that you love them -- and maybe even some you don't. For good measure.
Babz
xquzme at sometime today