2005-07-20
Color me Pathetic. And afraid of sharks. Whatever that color is.
Here's you: Hey, Xquzme, let's go to Destin, Florida and go swimming!
Here's me: Uhm. No. Not so much, really. Thanks anyway.
I'm never swimming in the ocean. Ever. Again.
The nice man on "Shark Week" said that the ocean is the shark's domain. Every time we go in it we are in their territory. I get it. Loud and clear. Su casa esta nada me casa.
He also cheerfully informed us that Bull sharks are highly adaptable and some can tolerate fresh water, and have been found as far north as Ohio in the Mississippi river!
IN. The. RIVER.
Dammit. There goes Higgins Lake, too.
Now, look. Even I know the likelihood of sharks ending up in Higgins Lake is completely nil, but still. I don't know about you but EVERY single time I am treading water and my feet are doing that swishy-swishy back and forthy thing I imagine that I look exactly like Chrissie in Jaws right before that shark bit her in half and then jerked her bleeding torso all over the place.
I am both morbidly fascinated and deathly afraid of sharks.
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Thanks to our new cable provider (note for Wide Open West: I love you just like Ch-ch-ch-cherry Cola), we now have something called Digital Video Recording which translates into "You Will Never Have to Leave the House Again, EVER, Because Jesus Invented DVR and Pizza Delivery."
Furthermore, now we have HBO, Skinemax, and STRZ in both the family room AND the bedroom, so really, I never have to leave my bed if I don't want to. However, if I want to catch the Eddie Murphy "RAW" special that HB recorded on DVR I will have to meander down to the family room.
This is good because otherwise I might get bedsores.
And someone has to pay the pizza guy.
So, thanks to DVR I can catch every episode of Big Brother XXIV, The Surreal Life, Six Feet Under, and Average Joe, to name a few.
I actually caught Average Joe in real time last night, and those hard bodied, hot looking boys got SO BUSTED at the bar when CuteRedHeadChick dressed up like a waitress and watched them maul hot chicks all night long. LOVED it.
She tore them a new asshole and then sent them packing. Buh-BYE, Lozahs!
Long live the nerds! I hope she picks Josh.
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I don't know what's more pathetic. That I admit to watching Average Joe? or that I know which guy I want to win.
Or that I CRIED at one point.
(Did I just say that out loud?)
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I turn 46 a week from Friday, for anyone keeping track. Please send contributions to:
Xquzme's Boob Lift and Tummy Tuck Fund
PO Box 69696969
Megetinsum, MI 55555
Once funds are adequate for the BLATTF, proceeds will be donated to the Liver Replacement Fund.
I'm not sure how I feel about turning 46. "Not good" comes to mind, on the heels of which is "Hey. I was supposed to be SKINNY by 46" but then "Who gives a shit. I have all my teeth, both breasts, and my legs work. Pass the tequilla." rockets up and slams into that skinny thought.
Life is good.
Now go make me a nice lemon drop and tell me you love me.
xoxoxoxoxo
xquzme at sometime today