2005-06-06
"NEXT!" -- Quality TV At Its Best
HOOOOOOOOOooooo, boy.
On Saturday I was a total slug -- sliming around the house reading, snacking, and doing a whole lot of nothing. Around noon I stumbled upon a nifty show on MTV (or is it VH-1?) called "Next" -- ever heard of it?
It's a "dating" show -- where we have one date and 5 potential datees. The datees sit in this giant bus -- with all the windows blocked off (hello clautsrophobia?) -- waiting for their turn to meet the date. The date has the option of hanging out with the datee for awhile or "nexting" them -- for whatever reason they want (weight, height, giant pustering pimple, religious background, skin color... the height of political correctness here, folks), and then the datee returns to the bus (where s/he commences to trash talk the date to the remaining datees) and then some other sorry asshole goes to meet this gem of a person.
The datees make a dollar for every minute the date keeps them around, and at any time the date can decide they like the datee enough to ask them on a second date -- the datee then has the option to accept the second date or to take the money they have "earned" at that point and go home -- virtuallay "nexting" the date (which is awesome when it happens).
Got it? Good.
It must have been a "Next" marathon because it was on ALL DAY SATURDAY and the reason I know this is that I watched something like 7 episodes of it. In spite of having a putrid factor of 10 gazillionhundred, it's addicting.
Let's meet our fun dates, shall we?
The first two episodes were "Gay Next". The first was a guy, the second a gal. In both shows while datees were off meeting the date, the remaining datees left on the bus had kissing contests. Neat.
Gay folks just dont' mess around. In both cases they each "nexted" someone upon sight. Poor sap Blane walks up to meet Patrick, and Patrick takes one look at him and makes that big-eyed Eddie Murphy look and says "Oh, so 'NEXT'". So Blane slinks back to the bus with his proverbial tail between his legs and $1 for the 60 seconds Patrick deemed to spend with him. Poor Blane. But wait! Now Blane is mashing with Richard on the bus! Phew. I'm glad that worked out.
Patrick ended up selecting a guy with an IQ of about 4 but he was hotter than shit, so... why not. They had joint spa treatments (LA!) and then Patrick ended up asking him on a second date. He accepted and said: "duh... [drool] where's our second date? [MATT DAMON]", to which Patrick responded -- "My place. Now."
The music swells, they kiss, and off they go to play Parcheesi at Patrick's house with his parents. Right? Mmmmmmkay, sure.
The lesbian went through all 5 of her datees, and she also "nexted" someone on first sight. Nice. She ended up liking the last one and they went dancing at a club and we left them sharing spit and grinding against one another on the dancefloor. Sweet.
The next three shows were heteros. Surfer Dude nexted the first chick because she couldn't swim, and nexted the second chick because she didn't "try hard enough" when he took her surfing (for the first time in her entire life). Bitch was killing herself trying to get up on that board and this asshole nexts her because she wasn't trying hard enough? Fuck you, Tommy. (He looked like Tommy on 8 is Enough -- you know what I'm talkin' about here.) Foratunately, fate stepped in and the one chick that Tommy wanted to go on a second date with took the money and ran. NEXT, Tommy, you asshead. Have fun surfing solo. I hope a big old shark bites your tiny dick off.
Okay, then we have Cruella, this dark, mean, mannish wench who has 5 pretty decent guys to pick from. The first dude gets nexted quickly because ... hell, I can't remember -- something deeply significant like he chews his nails. But the second guy -- who with just one more tug on his knit cap and two eye holes cut out would look exactly like Dumb Donald of the Cosby Kids fame -- really got hosed. LITERALLY.
She takes him to this place and before they go in she says "I like my guys to be clean on the outside as well as on the "inside". [run Dumb Donald, run!] Then she explains that she would like him to have a colonic to ensure he is clean both inside and out. [run FASTER Donald, FASTER!]
Now, either this guy seriously wanted to get in her pants or he was deeply constipated from eating 4 McGriddles on the way to the show and figured "Hey. What the fuck. I could use a good colonic." The only other thing I could figure is that he thought she might toss his salad if he went through with this.
So.... he DOES. They go in, he gets into his little hospital gown, they go into this room -- yes, you read that right -- THEY -- and he proceeds to have a tube rammed up his bunghole and whatever high priced bullshit Hollywood magic solution they pump into you to make your colon as clean as a brand new penny -- WHILE. She. Sits. There.
Jesus. I mean, I love my husband pretty much to death but sitting with him while he gets his colon hosed down like a dirty buick is not something I would put on my Top Fun Things To Do List. Sweet chocolately Jesus.
The best part is that after Donald has crapped out his 4 McGriddles and the 19 beers he had the night before, and probably totally stunk up the room, she is so impressed that she asks him on a second date.
Donald, not so dumb after all, does the math: "Let's see. I have $118 bucks, my ass is clean, and I can ditch this chick and go see if I can hunt down Richard from the Gay next and see if we can't get busy." So he blows her off!
HIP HIP HOORAY! You GO Donald -- you and your new squeeky clean ass self.
My only regret was that Tommy (the surfer butthead) wasn't the one to get the colonic. Because if anyone needed his ass put in order it was him.
Besides, sharks don't like full colons.
xquzme at sometime today