2005-04-22
I Unheart Michigan and Dashboard Fun
Okay. I really have to stop drinking. Because I must have had an 8 month blackout. Either that or I was in a coma. But I should be a lot thinner if that was the case. But, really. Tell me it's December, okay? I mean, it HAS to be. Either that or the weather website is broken. Check it out:
I do NOT heart Michigan right now. I UNHEART Michigan. I Skull and Cross Bones Michigan. I Warning Hazardous Conditions Michigan. I Fake Calvin Peeing on Michigan.
Up north we are supposed to get 20 inches. TWENTY. Yes, you heard it here first, folks.
Boo.
Boo HOO.
On a more cheerful note, here is something my friend Dr. Tschahn emailed me yesterday:
"I just wanted to show you how pretty my car's dashboard is when lit. I took this under an el track with my lights on, on the way home from work yesterday.
Do not pay attention to the yellow warning lights. I don't. They just mean things like 'I need to be washed' and 'you look like you need a nap.'"
I emailed him back:
"Silly boy.
I have a Passat, too, so I know all of these things. Let me help you.
The yellow light on the far right hand side that looks like a car engine is just your car saying 'the engine is ON'. In case you didn't know. It should be on ALL the time your car is on. If smoke billows out from under the hood of the car, all the better -- your engine is not only ON, but revved up and ready to go. Zoom zoom zoom. (wait... )
The thing that looks like a gas pump means 'I think you need a nice cold Coke and some Cheetos -- let's stop at the next 7-11. Me? No, no, I'm fine. That light means I have at least 30 more miles to go. In fact, let's take the long way.'
That thing in the middle that looks like Adam Duritz's dreadlocks is telling you you need a shampoo and a combout, and then a nap.
Any other yellow lights mean things about your personal comfort.
Volkswagon is special like that."
Other hazardous lights we thought should be on a dashboard:
A cigarette with a line through it -- means "You are almost out of cigarettes."
A little profile of someone holding their nose means "Look. The milk you spilled? Last month? Into the passenger seat? It's stinky. Buy an air freshener at least. No, no, not the Green Melon one. We learned our lesson last time. And probably not the Tequila Lime one either -- remember what the officer told you?"
A cell phone with little x's as eyes means "I'm almost dead. Charge me. Because we have to talk. On the phone. In the car. ALL the time. Do it now."
A dollar sign means you're almost out of cash, stop at the ATM.
I'm sure there are more...
TGIF. And I am here to tell you that there is nothing like chasing your dog around the park with spaghetti tongs, trying to pull the piece of string that is half in/half out of her ass, neighbors pointing and laughing, as a way to start your weekend off right. Trust me on this.
Okay. I have to go dig out my mucklucks for the big storm.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Goodnight!
xquzme at sometime today