2005-04-18
It's Letter Time
Dear Andrew:
I know you work very hard and I appreciate all that you do for the Little DLand People like me and I know you're really super busy but when you get a minute, can you get my comments to work? Not all the time, of course, just some of it. Now and then. Cuz I can never see a comment I just left for someone else, and a lot of (okay, TWO) people can't leave me a comment. I miss Gump and Andy, both of whom have left me to find diarys which will allow them to leave comments.
Anything you could do would be nice.
Luv ya lots,
Babz
**********************************************************
Dear Nails
Why do you scorn me so? Why do you grow at different rates so that I always look like a coke addict, one nail on each hand looking exactly like that cool coffee stirer/straw that McDonalds had for a nanosecond until they figured out what we ehr, a lot of people-not-me were using it for?
Why do layers of you peel when I have the audacity to put one, thin coat of NeverPeel(tm) HardAsAss(tm) clear NailGunk(tm) on you? Why? Perhaps I should return to the oral manicure system.
Better give Cuticles a heads up. You know what happens to them when I start grooming you with my teeth.
Think about it.
Fuckers.
**********************************************************
Dear Mayor of Detro1t
Look! You made Time Magazine! Wow! That's awes..... wait.
Nevermind.
You're called out as one of the WORST mayors in the United States. I wonder why that is? Personally I see nothing wrong with you buying your wife a brand new Navigator and taking your 26 friends bodyguards with you everywhere you go, paying them overtime while you party in limos and pick up hookers, all on the taxpayer's dime.
Seems resonable to me.
I mean, The Mayor of DEEETroit has to hook up, aight? Gotsta be PROtected and REspected. MmmmmmmmmmmHMMMMMMMMMMMM? Dat's right.
Well, as a proud supporter of Wayne County I say you just get on down with your bad ass self and ignore all those naysayers.
They're just racist pigs trying to bring a brother down.
Word.
A Happy Constituent
**********************************************************
Dear Feet
Stop SMELLING. Now. Jesus.
Thank you,
Nose
**********************************************************
Dear Philip Morris
Look. I only have like 18 days left to smoke. I would like to enjoy every single cigarette I smoke between now and May 2nd, but you make that a difficult if not impossible dream because apparently you bastards continue to distribute cigarettes using the FILO method -- Cigarettes are NOT like fine wine, okay?
I don't WANT a cigarette that was rolled and packaged 19 months ago. I don't WANT a cigarette that tastes like it's been in the hip pocket of Cletis-Bob's overalls since Hector was a pup. I don't WANT a cigarette that is about as smooth as an unfiltered Camel found in Mom's prom purse.
If I WANT a cigarette with the same qualities of a beer soaked cigar that someone left under the matt behind the bar for 3 weeks then I would roll up a pair of Aunt Beulah's support hose and smoke them.
I don't have a lot of sense, obviously, because I choose to smoke your ridiculous Virginia Slim Menthol Lights even when they ARE stale (9.98 times out of 10), but I do have sharp SENSES and I know a stale as shit cigarette when I smoke one.
STOP IT. Stop. It. Now.
Apparently it is State Law that you cannot return cigarettes -- even unopened -- so unlike shitty wine I have no recourse but to smoke your worthless shit-tasting cigarettes.
Occasionally, now and then, someone somewhere in your organization slips and allows a semi-fresh pack to get out to the public before it's time. Personally I think it fell off the pile to be stored for 18 months into the "properly stale and ready for distribution" pile.
I leave you with one more thought. I am not an engineer in distribution management, but I want to throw this out there for consideration. Tell your distributors -- the slick-suited dudes who stock say, my local CVS -- that if when they go to a store, say, my local CVS, and they are ALWAYS, CONTINUALLY, CONSISTENTLY out of A CERTAIN BRAND, say, Virginia Slims Menthol Lights, that maybe, just MAY-BE they should stock MORE than they did the week BEFORE. I know. Crazy. Just thinking out loud here.
And no. Virginia Slim Menthol ULTRA Lights are not "just as good". They suck.
By the way. If I get cancer I'm going to sue the shit out of you because I'm sure it would be the STALE cigarettes that made me get it.
I am enclosing a PO box in case you'd like to send me anything to make me happy. Probably not cigarette coupons, mmmmkay? Cuz I'm quitting. But money would be good.
Sincerely,
Whiskey voice Babz
*****************************************************
xquzme at sometime today