2005-03-26
What's up with the Horse thing -- I mean, WTF?!
Okay, kiddilies. Listen up. I have to report on this phenomenon I learned about last night. Had I not been paralyzed by shock at midnight-o-thirty I would have penned it right then and there.
Anyone happen to catch HBO Real Sex last night? Anyone? A show of hands... come ON. I know there are some pony-lovin' people out there.
Now, before any animal rights activists start sputtering and spitting and thumping their PETA bible about abusing animals for sexual gratification, let me reassure you -- this had NOTHING to do with that. Nope, not at ALL. No, this little treat really shows just how totally fucked up and depraved human beings can be -- withOUT having to involve a non-human mammal's sexual organs.
What we have, folks, is this amazing counterculture made up of... oh, God, at least a stable full of people, who like to (get this) ......
RIDE EACH OTHER like they are HORSES.
They have saddles made for humans.
They have reins with bits they wear in their mouths.
They have special "horse shoes" which make clippity clop clop clop sounds as they are led around the ring by their "masters".
They have special "cowgirl bousstiers" - a cutout version of the famous Madonna bra -- boobs all sticking straight out like the trumpet section of a marching band, proudly displaying huge nipple pearcings (which the "masters" can tug on to "git thim to be-HAYVE".)
Men ride women, women ride men, women ride women.... the sky's the limit at the Saddle UP and Ride Yerself a COWBOY Ranch.
They whinny.... Yes, they make horsey sounds. They even rub their little human-as-horsey faces against their master's chests.
I didn't know whether to shit or tie my shoes, laugh or hurl my half full can of Bud Lite at the TV screen.
Apparently -- and I never really thought about this as someone who likes to ride a horse just for the sake of riding a damn horse -- women have been "getting off" on horses for years. Why, there are even "special" saddles you can buy with a special place for a special "accoutrement" upon which you can fucking IMPALE yourself while galloping through the woods.
Ever galloped on a horse before? Yeah. Okay, then you know what I'm talking about here: cervix bruising. No, thank you, really. No, no, I'm fine. Thanks anyway.
Leave it to HBO to find the fucking weirdest people in the earth. Jesus. H. Christ. Excuse me, Jesus, but I think even you would be with me on this one.
If someone came within fifty feet of me and had one of those bit things in their mouth and whinnied at me I'd take my Colt 45 out and shoot them right between the head.
They Shoot Horses, Don't They? Hell yes they do.
Babz, pinched face, looking like I just stepped in wet poo
xquzme at sometime today