2005-02-25
Free Dog -- Will Ship -- FREE !!!
(This will only be funny if you've seen the Saturday Night Live skit with Christopher Walken where he's in the Continental Hotel, the camera being "your eyes".) (Even then, it might not be funny.) (Trust me - the original is worth it.)
*DING DONG*
(Camera on MOI! I'm smiling.)
Hi! Gosh, it's good to see you. C'mon in! Happy Friday!
(Me, furtively glancing around..)
Here, let me take your coat. Can I get you something to drink?
(Camera shows me taking your coat, throwing it over my shoulder onto the Dog's Bed.)
Have a SEAT! Damn, so good to see you. You look GREAT! Are you in love? Pregnant? What? Tell me!!!
(Camera on me, hunched over, clearly fascinated with YOU. Suddenly, I sit back -- surprised...)
The smell? You smell something? Oh, that. That's my HoneyDewLemonMelonCucumber candles from PartyLite. Aren't they nice?
(Camera spans the room, which has a burning tealight on every surface)
Yeah, yeah. I do have a lot of them. I'm kind of a junkie about candles.
(Camera back to me, sheepish grin, holding full glass of wine, gulping most of it, wine dribbling down my chin... I refill it, gulp more.)
Oh, the *other* smell? Must be our old carpet. Yeah... that must be it. God I hate remodeling, don't you?
(Me, cringing, trying to look all "God I hate remodeling, don't you?")
A tour? Seriously? You've never seen the house? Well, really.. there's not that much to it...
(Camera, shakingly going down 7 stairs, spanning a small room with a fireplace, the TV on Entertainment Tonight, and Green Leather Furniture -- camera "nods" as if you approve -- you do, right? Whatever... let's move on)
Okay, so this is the den -- uh huh.. it's okay. We... uhm... NORMALLY spend a lot of time here...
(Me, standing in front of the basement door, starting to sweat... visibly... eyes watering...)
This door? THIS one? Oh, this goes to our basement -- we don't need to go there! (ha ha)
(Me, wiping brow.)
Seriously. It's a mess. (ha ha)
(Camera shows an arm pushing me aside, slamming me into the wall, opening the door... and then a tumble of images ending with a view of the ceiling)
Jesus Christ! I told you not to OPEN THAT DOOR... JESUS CHRIST IT SMELLS IN HERE... HB, help me drag her out to her car... jesus...
(camera fades to black...)
******* end of ridiculous attempt at SNL script writing *******
What I'm trying to say is that sure 'nuff, T the Not So Wonderous in Fact Tedious Dog did, in fact, have big wet poopies all over the basement. Like, 10 times. WET ones. Little piles of ickiness which will require I remove them with a paint scraper because of course they are not the little turdlettes one can easily pick up with a papertowel, they are little piles of the remnants of an orgy of "Oh GOD this catfood is GOOD I must eat more more MORE!!!!" followed by "I don't feel so gooooooooood...."
I KNEW we should have left her out all day. I KNOW her zap collar doesn't work, OKAY? I'm not sure I care.
Sweet Chocolately Jesus.
I hit HB on the Nextel:
"Ah..., yeeeeeeeah. I'm gonna need some clorox bleach and paint scrapers... uh huh?"
He got the hint.
*sigh*
I'm going outside to smoke, because I'm all gaggy and shit.
C'mon over! We'll order pizza. You're gonna love it.
xquzme at sometime today