2005-02-15
Apparently I do snore. Dammit.
I'm sick.
But, thankfully, not nearly as sick as poor Kristin , poor baby.
Just skanky-ass-cold-breath, phlegmy-cough, sneezy sick. (You want me, don't you.)
So last night I get home from work, have a romantic dinner with the husband...
HB, reading the local newspaper: Huh. Looks like they're going to re-pave Ann Arbor Road.
Me: Did you drink ALL the milk?
...and then promptly fall asleep on the couch in the den.
HB retreated to his "cave", his den, which is the furthest corner in the house from where I was taking my little nap.
Now, MY mental image of myself napping is something akin to Sleeping Beauty, and/or Princess Fiona pre-explosion-into-ogreness (not that that's BAD or anything): my arms folded neatly on my flat, taut stomach, my hair flowing pantene-commercial-like around my long slim neck, smiling serenely, chest rising and falling delicately... like that. Okay?
Well, it appears this is not the case.
HB said he could hear me snoring all the way from the den -- 2 floors away --OVER Green Day blasting at 180 decibels and him SINGING TO IT -- and thought he should document the moment.
Isn't that neat? He's so cute.
So he sneaks downstairs with our digital camera -- which has a nifty little "mini-film" capability -- and captures the moment.
Then he kinda hovers around for an hour waiting for me to wake up, because he's so proud of his new-found skill as a short-film movie producer/director/cameraman, and he wants to SHARE this with me.
Finally at 10pm he couldn't contain himself any longer and woke me up to tell me to go to bed (cuz he's caring and stuff like that), and said:
LOOKIT THIS! LOOK LOOK LOOK YOU *DO* SNORE! (collapses into quivering mass of laughter on the floor)
Mind you, I'm sick.
So I'm not feeling all that great, however.... my penchant for totally juvenile behavior and humor allowed me to find this hysterically funny as well. I watched it several times. In horror. Yes, it was funny, but funny in that "no fucking way is that ME" kinda way.
Because, you see, and just for the record, I do NOT look anything like sleeping beauty, nor even Prince Fiona POST ogre-exploding-moment, when sleeping.
My mouth is hanging open, my face all droopy and 100-year-old looking, any body part that I might normally "suck in" while awake clearly taking advantage of my lack of muscle control and just hanging out every which way, my hair doing it's best Clay Aiken imitation... and then there's the snoring.
Jesus.
The snoring. If I were braver I would post it for your viewing pleasure, only problem being I'm pretty sure none of you would ever play with me again. Not to mention reducing my chances of every cavorting in a frisky way with Judd, Andy, Pat, or Gump. (Rhi would understand and love me anyway...)
(Midge: yes, I'll let *you* see it. As soon as you get your tan ass back from Mexico, bitch.)
I'm going to get him back, though. He swears that HE doesn't snore, so I have carefully hidden the camera on my nightstand to "capture HIS moment" the next time he starts doing his Fred Flinstone imitation.
And THAT, my friends, WILL be posted.
Guess who didn't get laid on Valentines Day. Can ya? Can ya?
P.S. Seriously. I thought it was fucking hilarious. I was just too sick.
Babz, snoring beast from HELL!!!
Now, as Judd would say. C'mere and give me some luvin'. Because I know now you REALLY want me.
xquzme at sometime today