2004-12-13
"YEAH, BUT COULD YOU SEE MY UNDIES?!!!"
My Company has two large-ish offices -- one in Michigan and one in the metro DC area. Each office holds a "Holiday-Not-Christmas" party every year, and because my staff are the lucky planners of said events, I always attend both. I figure the least I can do is show up, hand out drink tickets, make merry with the higher ups, forget names, and then get really really REALLY intoxicated and fall down on the dance floor.
I excel at all of these activities, but this year.... THIS year.... I really done myself proud, and will surely be The Person Everyone Talked about this Morning. Serious lamp-shade action. As in, I spent last night writing "Ooops I'm sorry" post-holiday-not-Christmas-party apology emails to everyone I can remember offending. Perhaps I should just use the All Staff mailing address in case I forget anyone in DC, while making advance apologies to the MI staff for our party this coming Saturday.
Seriously. My friend (now "ex-friend", I think) BSC is not even talking to me, and his good friend Bunny (because she LOOKS like a "Bunny"), who just started at MyCompany at BSC's encouraging, brought a darling date. Whom I apparently took DOWN during a dance -- as in fell on top of. Or maybe he fell on top of me. I had never met Bunny, let alone her date, so as first impressions go I'm sure it was stellar and memorable. Yep, uh huh, baby. Bring it on. Welcome to "Company", sorry I puked on your shoes.
I also fell out of my chair. Well, not really OUT of it, because I wasn't really sitting IN it yet -- I was TRYING to sit in it but somehow overshot the entire landing -- in a slippery dress -- and ended up FWOOP! -- on the floor next to the chair on my ass. On my nylons-only-no-undies-cuz-of-that-damn-panty-line-thing ass. Of course, I was very worried whether or not anyone had "seen" anything, but I was reassured that no one had. I know this because I asked everyone within hearing distance:
"YEAH, BUT COULD YOU SEE MY UNDIES?!!!"
Everyone said they hadn't, which either means they *did* see something (but maybe not undies -- gross, I know, because if you've ever SEEN the nylons without undies thing.... ladies, back me up, here... it's totally eeeuuuuuwwww) or they really *hadn't* seen anything because truly, unless you were lying on the floor under my table you probably were spared the sight. Oh, I shiver just thinking about it.
Upon landing, I raised both arms in the air and said "TOUCHDOWN"!!! BSC, back when we were speaking, said something about how "Only Babz could take a spill like that and celebrate it appropriately."
BSC, Bunny, and her date all kind of slipped out while I wasn't looking, probably attempting to avoid me asking to "hang out with them" and "what where they dooooooing?" and "why were they leeeaaaaving" (unlike me, who stayed in the hotel where the party was, they had to actually drive home). So I wandered down to the After Party Holiday-not-Christmas Party at the hotel bar. What a good idea that was. Let's see -- I believe I did the following -- and not in this order, either:
(1) I flirted outrageously with the DJ, who looked like Leonardo DeCaprio and could have been Leo's son he was so young.
(2) I kissed a coworker. A FEMALE coworker. Someone -- again, a female coworker, I think -- felt my boob. (Confirmed this today after speaking with said coworker. We both blushed. I think we liked that kiss too much...)
Other than frightening BSC and his pals away, that was the extent of my damage. Oh wait -- I stole a candle from the hotel bar. Wait, actually, someone stole it FOR me after hearing me whine about how much I liked it.
And that's what friends are for, folks.
Fortunately I was somewhat coherent in that I did not drool, kiss, fondle, or vomit on any of the Truly Important People -- the Execs -- all of whom seem to have escaped unscathed from Babz's drunken affection (the only good thing I can say is that I am, if nothing else, a very happy, dancing, sweating, FUN drunk and not one who gets into work bullshit, politics, or religion when I'm hammered. Because, Jesus -- if I put the same energy into being an argumentative bitchy drunk as I do a happy, slobbering, dancing one someone would shoot me.)
I made several Morning After phonecalls Sunday (specifically to my BOSSES to ensure I was still employed) and was somewhat relieved to hear from the After Party people that I didn't owe any of THEM apologies (because they were as drunk as I was -- see boob feel comment earlier...), but the folks AT the party... the nice normal folks who only used 2 drink tickets as opposed to the 22 *I* used and actually ATE dinner and were there to SOCIALIZE with their coworkers during this Jolly Frigging Holiday SEASON... but were instead accosted by Babz doing her Bad Santa imitation... I feel sorry for THEM.
So, damn, yeah. One more year and I was wearing the most memorable lampshade. Dammit. I need to hire someone stupider than me.
That's it. I'm grounded. No more holiday parties for me. Next year I'm going to volunteer at the local homeless shelter instead.
That sounds drastic. Maybe I could just drink a little less.....?
NAH.
=)
xquzme at sometime today