2004-12-06
Just On More Cigarette...
Grrrr, and snort. Diaryland just ate my entry. Wait, okay, so I hit "escape" by mistake. Fuck ME.
Back to me and Tschahn in Chicago. Last we left off, we were going to bed early Sunday night after an arduous weekend of abusing our bodies.
The premise for this trip was so that I could accompany Tschahn on the first leg of his trip to Germany -- where he was going to "make wacation" for a week -- on my return flight to Detroit. Not being a happy flyer, he thought if he broke his trip up and could spend the first, critical 2% of it with me, then he would be bolstered for the remaining 98% of the trip from Detroit to Germany.
Yeah, kinda weak. Okay, we just wanted to party and watch movies together.
We have a 10:30am flight to Detroit. We are at least an hour from the airport in Chicago Time, and we are going to the Worry-Free-Park-n-Ride-n-Breeze-to-The-Airport thing, which we all know can be a process of anything from 10 to 100 minutes, depending on the driver, how many other passengers s/he insists on picking up, how extreeeeeemeely sloooooooooow s/he drives, whilst pining about his days in Portugal....
I am one of those flyers who has to be AT the airport AT LEAST 1.5 hours before flight time -- preferably 2 full hours, allowing me enough time to drink about 4 beers and smoke 10 cigarettes.
Tschahn is not.
Sunday night he informs me that he is "not going to pack until the morning" because "he's wery wery tired" (more Ger-menglish from Tschahn) and he would "rather get up early and go to bed early" after "Just One More Cigarette." We both agree that we need to be ON THE ROAD by NLT 8:00am.
So here's a quick recap of how things went:
Sunday night, Tscahahn: "Well, I did some laundry; I'll just throw some stuff in the bag tomorrow. I'll get up at 5am. Hey! I know! Let's have One More Cigarette before we go to bed!"
Monday morning, 6:30: I wake up to learn that Tschahn has NOT gotten up at 5am, as planned, and OH SHIT we have to get moving.
side note: Tschahn has the slowest morning fuse of anyone I have ever met. It takes him 1.8 pots of very strong coffee, 14 cigarettes, 2 hours, and lots of gazing around at things to actualy be human enough to carry on a conversation. Only THEN can he think about getting ready.
6:35 am
Tschahn: "I HAVE to smoke and HAVE COFFEE and I don't want you bugging me about PACKING, okay?"
Me (wringing hands): "...uhm... okay...."
6:35-7:44am
Tschahn: SMOKE *** SMOKE *** GAZE *** COFFEE *** MORE COFFEE *** ONE MORE CIGARETTE *** GAZE *** COFFEE *** SMOKE *** SMOKE ***
Me: wring wring wring wring ....
Monday, 7:45: Tschahn starts packing.
His Brand New Bag.
Yes. The good doctor has purchased himself a spanky new Carry On Bag, of which he is very proud, because it has lots of pockets and gadgets and gizmos which he has to doink around with, express glee over, and figure out which perfect cubby to put his toothpaste in (me: ANY. ANY ONE. PICK ONE. NOW. BEFORE I HIT YOU).
He does, I am impressed, manage to pack quickly, but then he has to pack his "carry on" tote, which turns out to be this nasty, skanky duffel bag thing and "OH SHIT -- the cat peed all over it. Look, Babz -- it's still wet!"
Me: Please tell me you have another one.
Tschahn: Don't be silly. This will be fine. (he chuckles in that "Oh, you silly GIRL, you" way).
Excellent.
We do make it to the airport in time to hammer out two cigarettes OUTSIDE OF THE terminal (Illinois communists -- in Detroit we can smoke IN the terminal, IN a bar!), and get upgraded to 1st class because of my lowly white trash "Silver Elite" status on Northwest (which usually means the attendants are just nicer to you, but on this special day I actually got an upgrade -- for me AND Tschahn!).
I'm sure our fellow 1st class passengers were pleased as punch to be sharing an overhead with "Smelly Bag".
let's all sing:
"Smelly baaaaaaaaaag,
Smelly baaaag,
It's not your faaaaaaault...."
Tshahn and I did. All the way to Detroit. Our attendant, who looked like Seal but was very swishy sounding (as in "DARLEEEENGZZZZZ -- what kind of ALCHOLOIC bev-er-age can I bring YOU today?" with that wide-eyed Eddie Murphy thing going on), was VERY amused with us and kept bringing me generously-poured Screwdrivers.
This is already too long, so I will break (for One More Cigarette, in fact!) and complete the Legend of Smelly Bag in my next entry. Because, you know, it can only get better.
******* Coming Soon to an entry near you: Smelly Bag -- A Short But Distinguised Life. ***************
xquzme at sometime today