2004-11-30
I need a Fake Eyelash Anonymous Meeting...
Okay, clearly I need a meeting.
A fake Eyelash Anonymous meeting.
I can see us all sitting around a table, batting our fake eyelashes, everyone looking down at their hands and then remembering that they need to look UP, with wide-open eyes to hide the fake eyelash thing... because, you know... you can TELL.
"Hi, my name is Babs. And I wear fake eyelashes." (looking down, then quickly looking UP)
"HI BABS!" (bat bat bat)
Bat (HA I crack myself up) seriously. These Lee Press On Eyelashes (credit to Dr. Tschauhn for this one) are something else.
First, you can feel them all the time. Like a contact with a tiny bit of sand under it or something, so the urge to pick at them and press them and manipulate them is constant.
Second, you spend lots of time scurrying to the mirror to see if one has really moved or if it's "just you".
Third, WTF is up with this WHITE glue they give you? Why not black? I mean, come ON. No Fake Eyelash genius ME, but I would have come up with something other than WHITE GLUE (which stays white, by the way) to adhere these suckers onto your eyelid, like BLACK or DARK BROWN at least so it looks like you have lots of slutty eyeliner on as opposed to WHITE GLUE which immediately screams FAKE FUCKING EYELASHES! LOOKIT HER! FAKE! FAKE! SLUT!
Midge wants me to wear them to work tomorrow. I'm not sure. I think I'd have to get up at 6am to start the process. And although I've already confessed my ridiculous "eyebrow trimming methodology and subsequent tragedy" (see previous two entries) to everyone on my staff, including Cute Young New Guy, I'm not sure I'm ready to "go public" with them in the unforgiving incandescent lights we insist on using in OfficeSpace. If the glue is going to show up anywhere it will be there.
If these suckers budge even slightly you can tell they're fake. FAKE!
How much work would I truly get done running to the bathroom every 15 minutes with my little tube of (WHITE, DAMMIT) glue... to ensure my eyelashes are still in place? I ask you.
It's going to be a long 6 weeks. Maybe 8. Whatever.
AND, what about this -- what if by merely wearing said fake eyelashes I'm impeding the growth of my own, natural, previously-long-n-thick eyelashes? What IF? Shitthebed.
My friend Tschauhn confessed that he actually PULLS HIS EYELASHES out in BUNCHES because they are (get this -- I really love this in my current state) "too long and too thick".
Fuck me Sally. I'll take your long and thick any time.
So... *sigh*. I guess Babs needs to avoid personal grooming -- at all times but especially when "self" decides it might be a good idea to try something new -- after a few glasses of wine -- like "waxing (cough) our own eyebrows".
But wait. How much damage can the Husband's Beard Trimmer do on one's personal parts -- really? Self is thinking hard about this, having had 3 glasses of wine. And me AND self are pretty tired of $36 razors and Nair in order to achieve that perfect, 23-year-old-Playboy-Bunny runway netherregions "Look" (you boys KNOW what I'm talking about). Self might win on this one... at least no one can SEE the damage. Except HB, and he doesn't care.
Yours, schitzophrenically and soon, completely hairlessly yours,
Babz
xquzme at sometime today