2004-08-04
"Which" and "Other Words That Bug Us"
It�s 4pm and I�m taking my �lunch break�, which is my excuse for writing this. Seriously � I have worked steadily � if you discount the 20 some smoke breaks (during which, I assure you, I THINK about work � HARD � my eyebrows are even all scrunched together I�m thinking about work so hard) � since 8:00am. I had a business lunch during which I had to be witty and charming and sound intelligent and try to eat without dumping something on my shirt and/or carrying on a 10 minute conversation with Ranch dressing on my chin. So, you see � that�s WORK.
I think I have to write a little bit about �Words that People Use That Totally Drive Me Batshit Crazy�.
Disclaimer: if any of you out there in Diaryland use these words, either prepare to be offended or STOP USING THEM THEY MAKE YOU SOUND STUPID. Sorry. Dusty yells at people; I figure I can do. �Sides, you KNOW I just love you all to death anyway.
First, I must explain the origin of �which� � because you will hear me use it often (or misuse, actually).
My sister lives in southern Illinois, and apparently �which� has many uses. It can be substituted (and apparently is, frequently) for �because�, �and�, �so�, �but�, �for�, etc. As an English major I should know what all of those words have in common � they are a conjunctive somethingorother � but I don�t. So shoot me.
Okay, let�s try using it in an example (WHICH, my sister actually heard the following conversation):
Girl 1: I need to go to the Wallmarts. (Note: we�ll attack misuse of plurals later)
Girl 2: Which, why?
Girl 1: Which, I need to buy some mascaras.
Are you getting it? Which, it�s really very versatile. And, which, if nothing else, deeply annoying.
Okay, so here is my list:
1. Orientate. What is this? Does anyone know? I�ll tell you what it is. It�s someone who is trying really really really really hard to sound smart. You don�t �orientate� anything. Actual example:
�I�m working to orientate myself to my new job.�
Please do us a favor and �orientate� yourself to the English language.
2. SupposABly. There is no fucking �B� in that word. It�s supposedly. Learn it. Practice it. Say it with me � su-poze-UD-ley. There. Was that so hard? Jesus.
�SUpposABly I�ll be home on Sunday.� (I�m sorry� did you say something?)
The following is from my very dear friend the good Dr. T., my lovely (hot, single, gay, and extremely smart) best male friend (other than HB) in the world:
3. "Non-issue"
Oh. "Not an issue" or better yet, "not a problem" isn't good enough for your ass? Just how LONG have you spent in therapy and AA that causes your brain to believe uttering or writing the phrase "non-issue" is acceptable? I think the only easier way to advertise that you're a moron, besides saying or writing "non-issue," would be writing "I'M A BIG MORON" in permanent magic marker all over your clothes every day before you go to work.
Dr. T. can be very sarcastic, don�t you think? In fact, I think he started �words which bug us�.
4. Making a word (usually a company name) plural when it ISN�T.
Fords. Wallmarts. Meijers. Krogers. Unless you have visited MULTIPLE NUMBERS of this particular type of store/business you MAY NOT � under ANY circumstances � add an �s� to the end of it � okay? Okay.
Correct: I went to 8 Wallmarts today to look for new lawn chairs.
Incorrect: I went to Wallmarts today to look for a new brain.
Correct: I work for Ford.
Incorrect: I work for Fords � do ya like the Calvin-pissing-on-the-chevy logo on my F-150? Ain�t it cool? (No, you moron, it �ain�t� cool. It�s juvenile and ridiculous and if I were Bill Watterson I would hunt you down and kick your red neck ASS.)
I think you see what I mean. One more before I have to go.
5. Irregardless. Huh? Isn�t this a double negative? Regardless seems to me to be perfectly adequate � that is, �Regardless of what you think of me writing this, which I don�t care�, whereas if you said �IRregardless of what you think��, I believe it would mean� well, hell. I don�t even know what it would mean.
We�ll save �expressions that bug us for another day�.
Which, it�s time for me to leave. Well, or, at least, which, to smoke.
SECOND DISCLAIMER: All you Masters Level Pedants can feel free to beat up any grammatical, syntactical or other English-type errors I have made. I appreciate the feedback, actually, and am too lazy to look it up, so if you just want to be critical and point it out to me, that works too.
(For example, when not misusing "which" for the hell of it, I don't know when to use "which" or "that", which, I really don't give a rats ass, but if you do, tell me.)
Irregardless of what time it really is, it is time to orientate myself to a Millers Lite, which supposably they are on sale at the bar, so having enough moneys should be a "non issue".
xquzme at sometime today