< 3 have made an entry to the Captain's Log

2005-06-13

Life Lessons Randomizer

(Third edit .... I am falling out of love with DiaryLand... Sersly)

Recent Life Lessons

#1,357: Ex lovers, especially phenomenal ex-lovers who made your toes curl like the Wicked Witch of the East will always make your knees weak when you run into them at a party when your husband is out of town. Even when he is in town and by your side.

#1,358: "You can look at the menu, but you eat at home."

#1,359: Sometimes our friends marry the wrong person, and it is an exercise in maturity to be civil around that person. There is nothing we can do about it but talk badly behind his back and avoid him. Unfortunately, it means you avoid your friend, too.

#1,360: Don't wake up from a drunken Sunday afternoon nap, post-graduation party which served wine at noon, stumble into the kitchen to make 3lbs of "potato-onion flambe" (aka "hash blacks") for "a snack" at "9:00pm". "Just" "don't". Okay?

#1,361: Try to refrain from renting every horror movie in the New Releases section when The Wonder Husband is out of town, and then watching them post "snack". The cat is a lousy protector from The Boogeyman. And yes, he does live in your closet. He is there now, in fact. Waiting for you to get home.... Bad people also live in your TV. In the static. Sometimes wet girls with very long hair climb OUT of your TV, too...

#1361-1/2: No matter what Bill Cosby told you, slathering the stairs with jell-o will not keep the boogeyman from coming up the stairs or Samara from coming out of the TV. And it turns out raspberry jell-o gives the cat projectile diarrhea.

#1,362: Do not make an annual OB-GYN appointment on the first day of your period. Even your GYN finds you repulsive.

Adolescent Life Lessons

#47: No matter HOW cute you think Jeff Darbee is, don't listen to him when he tells you to lick the playground fence pole in February. NO ONE is that cute.

#67: Putting your toes into the spokes of a moving bike "to see what happens" is not a good thing, either. No matter how much Jeff Darbee tells you he will like you more if you do.

#68: Broken toes hurt like motherskipping hell.

#69: It turns out that no matter how cute a Jeff Darbee guy is, if he's wimpy enough to hurl grape Tang from seeing a torn toenail and a broken toe, he's not worth a bean.

#70: Most really cute Jeff Darbee's guys have the personality of a pinto bean.

#82: Nerdy guys with horn rimmed glasses and acne are the best kissers in the entire world.

Early But Invaluable Life Lessons

#1: Crying will get you almost anything.

#2: If crying doesn't work, shitting your pants might.

What are YOUR life lessons?

xquzme at sometime today

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