2005-04-04
Food Reviews, by me
Speaking of socks....
HB The Wonder Husband has good taste when it comes to food. Well, adventurous taste anyway.
I have good taste, too, if we're talking about meatloaf, mashed potatoes, spaghetti, Kraft(tm) Cheese and Macaroni*, and pork chops and apple sauce. Peas, too. But they canNOT get near the apple sauce, because that would be SO wrong. Also -- anything that holds or absorbs butter -- REAL butter -- is completely within my culinary courtyard of acceptitude.
*My super dooper secret squirrel decoder ring key to The Absolute Bestest Kraft(tm) Cheese and Macaroni: use TWO packets of the dusty orange dehydrated cheese product and add 1/2 stick butter -- throw in some 1/2 and 1/2 or whipping cream if you have it. This makes it kinda like Cheese and Macaroni Soup, and yes, yes, it does up the price per serving a tad, but at .39 a box, how can you NOT. Sersly. Try it.
HB will try anything, and actually LIKES things like oysters, liver, foot cheese, wild game, and weird animal body parts.
The other day he brought home some "Goat cheese" which smelled like Aunt Beulah's support hose after a week on her feet as Wallmart's Lead Greeter, and he insisted I "try" some.
I made the "stepped in wet poo" look as I put a small piece in my mouth and as soon as it hit my tastebuds long enough to register an assessment reading by my brain (2 seconds) I sprinted to the wicker wastebasket, hand cupped under my chin as I began to spit it out and then claw at my tongue while making "aaaagh aaagh ack gih ih out!" sounds a la Tom Hanks in Big.
HB gave me a look like I was wet poo.
My culinary review: Bold and sweaty, yet overwhelming, like a truck driver after a 4 day run. Tastes JUST like it smells. Best eaten over wastebasket with OJ chaser at hand.
Here is commentary on some of the other culinary delights HB has had me try.
Sushi That's Not a California Roll: Smooth and silky, like yesterday's loogie. Soak the crap out of it in Soy Sauce and the tuna might actually cook a little bit. Eat with Saki. Lots of it.
Oysters: A mouthful of W-E-T. Do not chew -- swallow whole. Rinse with cold beer, repeat 12 times. Doing so gives you free reign to rape your wife. Because they are aphrodisiacs, okay? Sure they are. Has nothing to do with the 6 beers you guzzled while "eating" them.
Brie, plain, warmed to room temperature: Buttery like flavor but not really at all unless you butter your socks and suck on the toes. Try to consume it sans "poo" face because people will think you're worldly and maybe even french. Have fruit nearby as it kills the foot aftertaste. Pop raspberry in mouth and say "Ca gout de merde!" which means "That's some good shit!" in French. People will want to know you, especially French people.
Brie with brown sugar and pecans on top, warmed in oven: Pure heaven. Serve with buttery butterfly shaped crackers which only come in the box of 19 different cracker varieties you don't like. Scrape melted brown sugar and pecans off the top, slather on cracker, and enjoy! SOMEONE will kill off the oozing skanky-ass brie underneath, but maybe not the French, because they consider it to have been "violated". Use a sentence with "je ne sais quoi" in it and they might talk to you anyway.
Artichokes: these have a unique flavor with a slight numbing affect on your mouth -- like Novocain or sperm (you didn't know that? it's true!). After steaming the artichoke until it turns a disgusting color of burnt green, serve whole with drawn butter. Remove leaf, dip into butter, scrape "meat" off artichoke leaf (no, silly -- not the spiny prickly side!) Do this a couple of times, get pricked by the ornery Artichoke leaf tip, pitch the artichoke and drink the butter.
Lobster: see "Artichokes"
Green Gunk on whole Lobster: To eat, bend poor Mr. Lobester in HALF, breaking his pretty red back, and pull gently (GENTLY -- otherwise you'll have green gunk on the kitchen walls, the dog's snout, and maybe some part of your face, which would be bad). Take tail part to the sink making "poo" face and rinse all the green gunk off thoroughly. Get a new plate. Give nasty green-gunky-carcass to husband. (Alternative: make husband do this.)
Diet Shrimp: Boil whole, uncooked shrimp for about 10 hours, then cool, rinse, and then pull the little shrimp poopie out of it's back. Place on chilled platter. Serve to guests. (This is where the "diet" part comes in -- once you've deveined 70 shrimp you will never eat one again.) (What? 10 hours is too long?)
Shrimp: Press finger into precooked, deveined shrimp for springiness. If soft to the touch or even slightly slimy, give to husband, or just move on to the next shrimp. If firm, drown in cocktail sauce, lick sauce off, and return cleaned shrimp to plate when no one is looking. You're gonna love it.
Venison, ground round: Best eaten when well disguised in meatloaf or chili. To ensure your guests will enjoy it (read: not detect the venison) use 1/8 venison, 3/4 ground sirloin, and add 12 bacon strips for good measure. Serve after extended cocktail hour.
Venison, steak, grilled: Best not eaten. Period. Enter house, smell venison, leave house, go to Arby's.
Ocra, fried: Dip into ranch dressing -- coat thoroughly. Lick ranch dressing and breading off okra. Dispose of okra. Repeat.
Ocra, cooked, slimy: Heap generous portion on your plate. When hostess is not looking, use okra to play "football" with person across the table from you. Object is to have Okra go through your opponents fieldgoal fingers and fall to the floor, where it will be eaten by Dog. Who will later regret it. As will you.
Cauliflower: Steam for 2.5 hours or until completely mushy. Pour 1 cup Parmesan cheese over 1/2 cup Cauliflower. Nuke until cheese melts. Add 4 T Butter. Nuke again. Add Sour Cream. Eat with topping-to-cauliflower ratio of 1:10. In your Weight Watchers(tm) diary, write down "4 Veggies, 1/2 fat. 1 protein, 500 activity points".
Mince Meat Pie (traditional, made with leftover meats from the last month; best if goat included): Accept small piece of pie but only after ensuring there is "Hard Sauce". If possible, ascertain alcohol content of said hard sauce -- if cook says "Don't eat too much of that stuff -- ha ha -- it's got a kick!!", graciously accept a piece. Using large spoon, scoop 1/2 cup hard sauce onto pie. Eat all of the hard sauce and any of the crust which looks like it hasn't been touched by the "filling". Claim "DAMN, I'm stuffed" when meat filling is the only thing left. Engage in delightful post-dinner conversation, preferably over Port Wine. While regailing stories of the orient and living abroad as an Ambassador in Istanbul, casually dip finger into hard sauce, lick finger, repeat until hard sauce is gone, or until you are lying on the floor with the hard sauce dish on your chest, marveling out loud about how all these little okra bombs could have gone off during dinner.
DON'T give the leftover pie to Dog. He's got enough problems as it is.
Bon appetit!
xquzme at sometime today